How to Deal with Difficult PeopleIn New York one day, a businesswoman got into a taxi. Bec

How to Deal with Difficult People

In New York one day, a businesswoman got into a taxi. Because it was rush hour and she was hurrying for a train, she suggested a route. "I have been a cabby for 15 years !" the driver yelled. "You think I don't know the best way to go？"

The woman tried to explain that she hadn't meant to offend him, but the driver kept on yelling. She finally realized he was too upset to be reasonable. So she did the unexpected. "You know, you are fight," she told him. "It must seem dumb for me to assure you don't know the best way through the city."

Taken aback, the driver flashed his rider a confused look in the rear view mirror, turned down the street she wanted and got her to the train on time. "He didn't say another word the rest of the fide," she said, "until I got out and paid him. Then he thanked me."

When you encounter people like this cab driver, there's an irresistible (不可抗拒的) urge to lose your temper. This can lead to prolonged argument, soured friendship, lost career opportunities and broken marriage. As a clinical psychiatrist, I've discovered one simple but extremely likely principle that can prevent virtually any conflict or other difficult situation from becoming a recipe for disaster.

The key is to put yourself in the other person's shoes and look for the truth in what that person is saying. Find a way to agree. The result may surprise you.

Sulkers

Steve's 14-year-old son, Adam, had been irritable for several days. When Steve asked why, Adam snapped, "Nothing's wrong! Leave me alone!" and stalked off to his room.

We all know people like this. When there's a problem, they may sulk (生闷气) or act angry and refuse to talk. Maybe the boy is worried about something that happened at school. or he may be angry with his dad but afraid to bring it up because Steve gets defensive whenever he is criticized. Steve can pursue these possibilities the next time they talk by saying "I noticed you've upset, and I think it would help to get the problem out in the open. It may be hard because I haven't always listened very well. If so, I feel bad because I love you and don't want to let you down." If Adam still refuses to talk, Steve can take a different tack: "I'm concerned about what's going, on with you, but we can talk things over later, when you're more in the mood." This strategy allows both sides to win: Steve doesn't have to compromise on the principle that ultimately the problem needs to talked about and resolved. Adam saves face by being allowed to withdraw for a while.

Noisy Critics

Recently, I was counseling a businessman named Frank who tends to be overbearing when he's upset. Frank told me that I was too preoccupied with money and he shouldn't have to pay at each of our sessions. He wanted to be billed monthly.

I felt annoyed because it seemed Frank always had to have things his way. I explained that I had tried monthly billing, but it hadn't worked because some patients didn't pay. Frank argued that he had impeccable (没有缺点) credit and knew much more about credit and billing than I did.

Suddenly, I realized I was missing Frank's point. "You're right," I said. "I'm being defensive We should focus on the problem in your life and not worry so much about money." Frank immediately softened and began talking about what was really bothering him, which were some personal problems. The next time we met, he handed me a check for 20 sessions in advance.

There are times, of course, when people are unreasonably abusive (辱骂的) and you may need to just walk away from the situation. But if the problem is one that you want solved, it's important to allow the other person to salvage some self-esteem (自尊心). There's nearly always a grain of troth in the other person's point of view. If you acknowledge this, he or she will be less defensive and more lik

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